I can’t believe it, I actually just went through my whole previous tumblr
It’s crazy to see how much has changed. The closest people I had are now enemies to me. The optimism I was once known for is no longer existent. All my happiness was due to God’s glory and works, now I barely even know him. But most of all, I was so happy and carefree.
I don’t even know myself anymore.
I’ve never been so miserable in my whole entire life until I encountered my first semester of college. I blamed it for a lot of things - taking the worst, most irrelevant (& hard as fuck, mind you) classes ever, having the most awkward roommate and prude-ass floor mates, not being in a soccer team for the first time in 4 years, etc.
Then I was changing. I was always cranky and irritated. I always picked fights with everyone. I was seriously convinced that I had a psychological disorder cause someone shouldn’t be this mad at the world all the time. Due to my attitude, my friendships are evidently not the way it was and making new ones seem harder than ever before.
Now that I’m in my 2nd semester, I’ve never had any more drama with so many girls all at once. It’s harder and harder to pick out my true friends. & just now and days, I feel no substance to anything. I am just not happy.
All of this time I thought it was cause I enrolled into the wrong college or that I was losing my identity or that I might even be losing my sanity.
But today, as I told Aiza everything that Renz (& Yna) did to me in from the past 2 years, I’ve noticed it wasn’t any of that. It’s the relationship I’m currently in. As I look back and discuss the past (that still haunts me today), I’ve never noticed how patient and understanding I was of Renz & Yna. I was so lenient. It’s as if I was walking on egg shells, I’d let the most ridiculous shit fly by just so that Renz would still be happy. I always figured if I were to land guidelines and rules, I’d only complicate things, plus I had no right to, they’ve grown up together after all, & I was just the sidepiece. I made it my obligation to let whatever slide by in hopes to prove to Renz I was willing to do anything (tolerate anything) for his happiness.
Then as the relationship became more serious & feelings grew deeper, I couldn’t help but slowly (but surely) tell him how uncomfortable I was of her around. It slowly went from “I don’t want her sleeping over” to “I don’t want you guys hanging out alone” to “I don’t want her calling” to “I don’t want you to see her anymore” to “I don’t want you to be friends with her” to “I fucking hate her” …
With her doing inconsiderate actions and just always in the goddamn picture, I couldn’t help but turn into a monster. I felt everything she’s done to me from the past 2 years was slowly piling up and now I can’t handle the weight.
I feel as if I was so patient and understanding when they first both hurt me, that now I feel as if I have all the goddamn right to be angry to whatever the fuck I please. I guess I’m just making up for lost times.
But I don’t want to be this person anymore. I flip over the smallest issues. I make things out bigger than they should. I’m just not the same anymore. & I honestly don’t know how to turn back to who I was.
Maybe it’ll just be easier to end all of this. Cause you obviously don’t like who I’ve become. & I’m finally admitting that I don’t either. No one does. Maybe I’m just better off without this relationship. I’m growing into a person I don’t even recognize. Maybe I just need time to find God & myself again. I don’t know, honestly. Just let me be though. All this time I tried so hard to gain your happiness but maybe it’s my turn. I need to be happy again.
